SURVIVING FEAR - my personal story of victory...

 

There is no better way to describe my journey through cancer treatment and the relationship I had with Oncology than to watch the movie “Life of Pi”, released in the year 2012. In order to understand my story, you might have to watch the movie first. “Life of Pi” is a stunning movie that will help you believe in God, but to me, it also beautifully depicts the story of FEAR. It is the story of an Indian boy by the name of Pi Patel who leaves his home country (India) and together with his family, embarks on a long journey to Canada. But one day, while at sea, a violent storm arises and sinks their ship.

Pi is the only human survivor and for a moment, while in deep water, he almost seems suspended in time. Cancer to me was such a storm, a storm I thought I would not survive. But I did and I will and so can you! I was totally stunned at first as my diagnosis was completely unexpected, but like Pi, I was determined to survive, so I climbed into the only lifeboat there was, except mine was called Oncology. 

Pi discovers that he is not alone in the boat, as he comes face to face with a tiger by the name of Richard Parker. The boat keeps them afloat but now Pi is facing a fierce enemy who seems to want to eat him up. In my initial state of fear it also literally felt as if fear wanted to “eat me up” even though Oncology was keeping me afloat. They couldn’t help me face my fear. Nobody could back then. Not yet.

Sometimes I managed to suppress the fear, but it was hiding beneath the surface and had a way of shooting out at me when I least expected it. A simple comment, a thoughtless remark, anything relating to cancer would give fear a chance to attack me now.

Of course I was so afraid of my “tiger” that it made me want to flee from the boat. Just like Pi, I created my own “mental” raft and floated on it behind the boat, only climbing into the boat when I had to. I was trying to grasp the wonder of my survival and the severity of the treatments ahead. Irrfan Khan (the adult Pi in the movie) said in an interview: “I had to go back to the world or die trying.” Perhaps chemo sometimes felt that way. But somehow, I knew, I would get back to the world.

I soon learnt that we cannot run away from fear, because if we do, it simply follows us. So what I had to do eventually was face it and come to terms with it. In the same way Pi decides to get back into the boat. He starts taming the fearful creature. Now, taming a tiger is not so easy, especially when you are out at sea. But neither is taming fear, when you are facing the biggest battle of your life. So, I learnt to start speaking to my fears and started quoting the Word of God to them. At this point God had given me many promises such as: "Therefore all who devour you will be devoured; and all your adversaries, every one of them, will go into captivity... For I will restore health to you, and I will heal your wounds, says the Lord." Jeremiah 30:16-17 (AMP) That's when I knew that some day soon all my cancer cells would be gone.

Slowly but surely the tiger backs off and in a similar way I conquered my fear. Pi manages to put the tiger in its place, although it never leaves the boat. Fear also never left me during my time of treatment; I just learned to gain the upper hand. Somewhere along the way, during another storm at sea, Pi reaches a point where he finally cries out to God and surrenders his life. I had to arrive at the very same point and God truly heard me and had mercy on me. He eased my suffering and gave me hope, but He gave me so much more than that…

From that point forward, much like Pi, I started a magical journey with God – a journey of healing that in essence has only just begun and during which He explained personal things to me I never quite understood before. I believe He will do that for anyone, for Scripture says: “Call to me and I will answer you. I’ll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.” Jeremiah 33:3 (MSG)

The next thing that happens on Pi’s journey is a miracle. He is blessed with a huge school of flying fish that will keep them alive for quite some time. Similarly, in the last couple of years, I have seen so many miracles of God and His provision in a most amazing way. So I can testify – God does come through! For Pi it is fish and for me it was hope and healing, in essence the beginning of a new life.


At one point in the movie Pi Patel says the following words: "I never thought a small piece of shade could bring me so much happiness...and knowing Richard Parker was here could bring me so much peace...now we've been orphaned, left to face our ultimate Master together...without Richard Parker I would have died by now...my fear of him keeps me alert...tending to his needs gives my life purpose." Well spoken! During my long arduous healing journey, I discovered pleasure in small victories. I did not gain peace from knowing fear was there, but in some way it did keep me alert during the cancer treatment and in some odd way fear and I were facing God together.

Fear, just like a tiger, can’t really be trained. But I learnt that if I hang in there and cling to God until the end of my treatments, then much like in the movie - fear will grow weak. In the movie Pi speaks about God: “Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, he was watching. Even when He seemed indifferent to my suffering, He was watching. And when I was beyond all hope of saving, he gave me rest. He gave me a sign to continue my journey.” God did the same for me. He was watching my boat. This is the Scripture that reassured me:

“Your Redeemer God says: “I left you, but only for a moment. Now, with enormous compassion, I’m bringing you back…Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied: I’m about to rebuild you…You’ll be built solid, grounded in righteousness, far from any trouble—nothing to fear!...And if any should attack, nothing will come of it…I’ll see to it that everything works out for the best.” God’s Decree.” Isaiah 54:7-15 (MSG)

So, you see…deep knowledge can be gained from this time in your life even though it seems to last an awful long time. In the movie God wrestles with the tiger during a storm, and if you let Him – He will wrestle with your fear!

“You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.” 2 Chronicles 20:17 (NIV)

My problem was, most of the time, just like Pi, I chose to keep my “tiger” alive. I gave in to fear far too many times and did not stand firm. Despite all the promises I had from God. But our God is a good God and He still gave me deliverance.

 

So when I finally reached the end of my treatments, I was like Pi when He reaches the Mexican shore. Afraid to let go of the boat (or Oncology), afraid to drown in 2 feet of water, afraid of almost everything, I too struggled to shore and somewhere God must have been smiling at finally having me there. At that time, I was not aware that I had arrived on the shores of my Promised Land.

Pi narrates: “I was so spent I could hardly move and so Richard Parker went ahead of me and stretched his legs and walked away. He never looked back, he just disappeared forever from my life, very unceremoniously.”  I think, unlike Pi, I will not cry when that day comes. It won’t break my heart when I leave Oncology and fear finally walks away from me. Pi also says: “All of life becomes an act of letting go.” I have finally learnt to start letting go, but much like Pi, I wish I could have thanked more people, without some of whom I could not have survived, including my family, friends and doctors.

At the end of the movie the insurance investigators do not believe the boy’s story, because it seems much too fantastical to them. During my journey of cancer treatments, I have seen so many miracles that, if I had to tell them all, you would perhaps not believe me either. But so it goes with God’s story doesn’t it? From Adam to Abraham and on to Jesus and millions of rescues thereafter, quietly but firmly He rescues us in such an inconspicuous way that few choose to believe it now.

I have survived, so my story – like the movie – seems over now, but as a matter of fact it has only just begun. I hold God’s promises firmly in my hand:

”The enemy you have seen you will never see again.” Exodus 14:13 (NIV)

“When you go out looking for your old adversaries you won’t find them – not a trace of your old enemies, not even a memory. That’s right. Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go.” Isaiah 41:12-13 (MSG)

I am on the shores of my Promised Land and although it will take time to recover fully, my life will go on and I hope my story helps you understand yours. If you haven’t yet arrived on the shores of your Promised Land and if you are currently undergoing cancer treatment, much of this might make sense to you. You too will have to go back to the world, but I want you to know that with God’s help you can!

Our God is a loving Redeemer; full of compassion and I have found His Word to be so true. This final scripture could almost sum up my whole journey through cancer treatment; a Scripture I received very early on:

“Some of you were sick because you’d lived a bad life,
    your bodies feeling the effects of your sin;
You couldn’t stand the sight of food,
    so miserable you thought you’d be better off dead.
Then you called out to God in your desperate condition;
    He got you out in the nick of time.
He spoke the word that healed you,
    that pulled you back from the brink of death.
So thank God for his marvelous love,
    for His miracle mercy to the children he loves;
Offer thanksgiving sacrifices,
    tell the world what He’s done—sing it out!”

Psalm 107:17-22 (MSG)

So, I am thanking God for His marvelous love and miracle mercy and I want to thank everyone who helped save my life. I love you all!

Just a final note:

At the end of the movie, the insurance brokers note in the claim, that this is the longest anyone has ever survived in the presence of a Bengal Tiger. Perhaps in the same way, my Oncologist could make a note in his file that this is the longest time Sue has survived in the presence of fear. As long as he ends it with: “Fear has now left her, unceremoniously.”  

∞ THE END ∞

I want to give credit and thanks to the makers of the movie “Life of Pi” from which I have taken these beautiful illustrations and quotes.

This story was written to honor the Scripture:

"And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb  
and by their testimony."

Revelation 12:11 (NLT)   [Italics added.] 

If you would like to see this story in video you can follow this link to my YouTube video: Survive your fear!
 or Survive your fear! (short version)

(All photos are my own and I hold the copyright for them.)