The Journey to the center of Me - Part 7

WELCOME BACK to my final post based on the book "Seven Days in Utopia - Golf's Sacred Journey" by David L. Cook. In a series of seven posts I tried to link all the learnings that a burnt-out golfer takes, to motherhood and my own journey as a "once-burnt-out" mom. On Day 7 in Utopia, the golfer will have to confront some "buried lies" and reading this book gave me a chance to do the same. I want you to know that David L. Cook has such a gentle way of leading you to this point, that I cannot help but recommend that you read his book! The much needed knowledge that I have received from this book, has forever changed how I feel about motherhood! My posts might make more sense if they are read from the beginning, so perhaps you want to go back to Day 1. But if you are ready, let's move on and I invite you to walk with me for the last few steps of my own journey, a journey to the center of "me"...

Utopia cemetery

Are we chasing scores to impress others...?

On Day 7 , the last day that the golfer spends in Utopia, he meets with the farmer on a small cemetery. Over the past six days it had become clear that he was struggling, because his golf scores and his self-identity had merged into one and his life otherwise had little in the way of foundations. On the cemetery, the farmer gently explains to the golfer that life, in the end, will be measured by significance, not by a score. Holding a bible, he shares that this most incredible book reveals that someday, we will all stand before our Maker and give an account of our life and he invites him to leave the insignificant habit of "score-chasing" behind and start a new life. All his life, the golfer had believed that his main calling was to be a great golfer and he never considered that he was selling himself short, that he could do more. But this is about to change. In the middle of a cemetery under a shady tree, the farmer shares the gospel message with him, by reading him the story of Simon Peter, a fisherman who had also been driven by performance. Simon, having caught nothing one day, tired and hungry, decided to listen to Jesus and follow his advice and the result was spectacular. He was able to witness the greatest success of his career. In the past, the golfer had been controlled by a need for "performance" and "success" and like Simon, he had somehow lost sight of what it means to live a life of real significance.  At the end of his week in Utopia, he is finally learning that success is only a destination we pass on the way through life, but significance is an eternal calling. By inviting Simon to follow Him, Jesus gave Simon the offer of a life of significance and the farmer was doing the same for the golfer, by sharing the gospel message with him. 

So the Golfer comes to a crossroad on Day 7 and he is taking a new road! On this new road, he will leave his fear of failure behind. His identity will no longer be tied to a game but to God. His purpose will no longer be in scoring in a game, but in a calling that has eternal value, which is revealed in the last chapter of this book. (Don't worry...I won't spoil it, I will let you read it!) But before he leaves, the farmer asks him to do one last thing...to write down all the lies that he has learnt along his journey through life and then, right next to them, write out the truth of God's Word that he had now learnt in the past seven days. These truths would finally set him free. On that day, on the cemetery in Utopia, the golfer buries his lies and though feeling a bit awkward at first, he begins his first conversation with God...

Stop...and consider the road you are walking on...?

There are such awesome parallels to my life in this chapter of the book and I wish I could share it all, but I will try and finish with just a few reflections and I hope that one day you will read this book and enjoy it too. In my last 16 years as a mother, my thoughts were and still are, for the most part, consumed by my children. After all, being a mom is what I do. It has defined me to the point that my performance as a mother and my self-identity have also merged into one and I must say, I was struggling too. I was lacking a good foundation of balance and self-confidence, with the result, that after a "good" day (equaling a good score for the golfer), I would feel good about myself, but after a "bad" day, I would feel defeated and drained. I didn't realize that life as a mother is not measured by how well we organize our day, but by the significant little moments we spend with our kids. I know that now. But some years back, all I wanted to do was being the best mother I could possibly be and although being a mother is an honorable calling, I am now finding out that I have sold myself short. That I too can do more. In the past, I have been controlled by my "performance", always chasing a "good" day but my life was a series of ups and downs and I eventually craved a more steady pace. Like the golfer, I did come to a personal crossroad and I have chosen a new way. A way where I can leave the fear of failure behind and my identity is not tied to my performance anymore, but to God. From now on, I don't want to seek my purpose in how well I do, but in how well I listen to God. From a fictitious golfer in a very real place, I have learnt to live life the SFT way - "See it, feel it, trust it." For me, this means to see His face, feel His presence and trust His love." Not in Utopia, but in a reading chair, placed in a quiet corner in my home, a transformation has taken place that I cannot begin to put into words. I have certainly shed enough tears to fill a grave, but at the lowest point in my life, I have begun conversations with God. In that quiet and private corner of my home, He has helped me to clear all the lies of my past and to replace them with His truth and a brand new hope.

Allow Jesus to step into your boat...!

I am not a preacher, not even an evangelist, but I believe with every fiber of my being that there is a God. In the past few years, I have seen His hand print upon my life over and over and I have felt His presence closer than the wind upon my face. I also believe that He has a plan for my life and yours and that you are not reading this by chance. David L. Cook's book reminded me that it is our job to seek God and listen to His calling for our lives and that He gives us the grace to accept or reject Him - the choice is ours. In the final words of the chapter called "Buried Lies", the farmer adds that the bible says that this new road leads to heaven and that faith is the fuel that will move us from mile marker to mile marker. In other words - nobody is perfect at once! The first step we need to take is to realize that there is a God and that He is calling us to an adventure. Not only the golfer, but us all! The second step will be to ask God to forgive our sins that have kept us from taking this road before and the third step will then be to "get into the boat with the Master" and make Him the captain of our own life. Jesus will help us to push out into the deep water and He will tell us where to fish, no matter what job we are in, even or perhaps especially mothers. The outcome or success will always be in His hands, not ours and the most awesome thing that I have already witnessed myself is that the fear of failure will be removed from our lives! All we have to do is to ask God to forgive us for running in the wrong direction and to lead us down this new road through faith in His Son. If you are in dire need of a change of direction like I used to be...why not give Him the helm of your boat too?

But whatever you decide...He will always love you and I pray that you will have a blessed Christmas and...

...a GREAT WEEK!

 

...but what is wrapped under my Xmas tree has little real value and its joy will 

fade very quickly compared to what Jesus has done for me! I finally get it...!! 

Thank you Lord!

The Journey to the center of Me - Part 6 (Teatime!)

Teatime! While I am working on my next post, I just wanted to share a thought...

This is a photo I took a while ago, but it reminded me so beautifully to question by who's hand I live. On my request, the seagull was being fed deep fried chips, which is not at all part of its natural food, but we did it in order to attract it and much in the same way, not everything we receive from others is good for us...so the question is - by whose hand do we live?

John 6:35 says: "Jesus replied, ''I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." (NLT)

HAPPY ADVENT and as always...HAVE A GREAT WEEK! 

 

(Photo is my own. This animal might have been harmed in the making of it, for which I apologize! I won't do it again.)

The Journey to the center of Me - Part 6

I am almost finished with my series on David L. Cook's book "Seven Days in Utopia - Golf's Sacred Journey" and on Day 6, in a chapter titled "Hickory Sticks", everything starts coming together in Utopia.

If you have never read any posts of mine before, then I must confess to you right now that most of my life as a mother I have been so preoccupied with "doing things right" that I rarely got to enjoy my time with my kids. Sound familiar? I have decided that this must change! Though I might always remain a "non-perfect" mom, I am determined to enjoy myself now!

On Day 6 in Utopia, a farmer who took in a "burnt out" golfer, reviews a newly learnt process with him called "See, Feel and Trust". He wants him to "see" the target, "feel" the ball going that way and "trust" himself enough to make the shot. Trusting himself more, would finally allow him to ENJOY the game and might just allow him to see greatness unfold.

Oh, how I would love to be a great mother! But I'm afraid I am not. So what could I learn from this golfer to get there? How would I be able to apply this same process - to see...feel...and trust?

Reading this book, it seemed to me that this farmer is a bit like Jesus who is urging us to have a relationship with him, so that He can teach us. When I decided to have more quiet times, I could start hearing His gentle invitation: "See me"..."Feel my presence" and "Trust my guidance" - that's the SFT for a mom! Jesus is a very gentle coach and I truly believe that when we choose to trust God and stop living by other people's standards, that's when a great mom is revealed. 

But sometimes, in order to get there, we need to climb out of a box labeled "comfort zone", a box that can easily become a self-imposed prison. Much of my early adult years, I have spent developing a performance identity and I cared so much about what other people thought of me that I didn't realize  I was building my own prison. I was marching straight into a place where my passion and love for life would give way to an ever demanding fear of failure. For a very long time I have based my identity and self-worth on the shallow opinions of other people. I was a prisoner of what I thought they were thinking of me, whether or not they were actually thinking anything at all! But now Jesus is my defense attorney and He is seeking my appeal! Inside my head and my heart, He reminds me every day that the goal is not perfection, the goal is simply to stay in relationship with Him and to follow His new checklist for me - SEE me, FEEL my presence and TRUST my guidance. After all, the bible says that Jesus' passion is to set people free from prisons (or boxes)!

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a BAD mother and I didn't only have bad days. But when I planned my overly busy days, I usually got exactly that - just an overly busy day. I chose busyness over peace and togetherness, I chose to ignore the simple way of life and followed the ways of "the world" instead. For many months I knew in my heart that this kind of frantically busy and perfectionistic lifestyle was wrong, but I followed it anyway, because I didn't know how to change. So I pleaded with God, in my first quiet times. Shortly after, I came across this book with a checklist that might seem simple in concept, but it can be rather difficult to put into practice in our daily lives. I have come a long way, since I read this book and some things have finally "clicked". For the first time in my life I understand the idea of "letting things happen". I can't always control the score, but I can control the process. What does this mean? As a mother, I can't always control the outcome of a day or any particular situation, but I can control my behavior throughout it all. I now believe that in motherhood, it's not really the score that counts, but how we behave while we are walking the fairway. My days might still be stressful and nerve-wrecking at times, but I can enjoy any day if I am walking with God. This new mini-checklist of mine called "SFT" puts me into a position where I can have the best day possible at any given time. It doesn't guarantee perfection, it just increases the odds for my having the day I wanted to have. So, you could say that by having more quiet times I have moved the odds in my favor.

I might be no golfer, so I don't need to see, feel and trust my golf shot. But I am a MOM and I want to live life the "SFT" way from now on! I am impressed with the progress it has already produced in my life and if you find it an intriguing idea, I simply recommend that you buy the book! (You can click on the link underneath the photo in Part 1 if you want to purchase it.) We tend to hold independence sacred nowadays when in truth, the hearts of so many moms remain imprisoned, for the lack of wisdom being shared. I have found so much wisdom in this book! But most of it I have found in my quiet times. I have come to God desperate for hope and it has been given. I have also asked for answers to some of my biggest challenges and I have found them. I was in dire need of a mentor and he finally showed up in the form of Jesus. He won't ask for payment, He will only invite you to live life His way and I can testify that He will transform your life for the better in so many ways! I am definitely much more relaxed than I used to be and I have finally started to enjoy my life. 

I hope you will join me in a couple of weeks for what might be the last part in this series, but until then...

HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

(Photos are courtesy of morguefile.com)

The Journey to the center of Me... - Part 5

I do realize that Part 4 of "The Journey to the center of Me" might have been a tad too long, so I will try and make this one shorter. A blog post ought to be short but still have something worthwhile to share, which leads me to start with the following question...

What could I possibly learn from a golfer that is worthwhile knowing as a mother?

My PPL was easier to qualify for than the dummy!

My current posts are based on a book titled "Seven Days in UTOPIA" by David L. Cook, in which a professional golfer learns that he has not been properly prepared for tournament play. By reading this book, I have realized, neither have I. Not for the tournaments that follow year after year when you have two or more kids. So, on Day 5 in Utopia, in a chapter titled "Pilot's Checklist", the golfer learns about the benefit of being prepared for an emergency during a bumpy flight in a small airplane. Several years ago I actually obtained a Pilot's license myself but I stopped flying when I became pregnant with my first child. To find a chapter in this book relating to that part of my life, was rather exciting for me! But I believe it will hold exciting pointers for you too, whether or not you have learnt to fly. Preparing for an emergency is what every mother can relate to!

Have you ever taken a trip in a little 2-seater airplane? I have and let me tell you, it can be downright scary at times! Especially when the instructor decides to secretly cut off your fuel supply and stall your engine, just to test whether or not you would be prepared for such an emergency. So, I know all too well what it means to prepare for an emergency when it comes to flying, but I didn't really know how to prepare for emergencies when I became a mom. I was ill prepared and the result was a ton of (partly subconscious) fears. What if I fail? What if my baby gets ill? What if I won't be able to cope with it? What if I am a bad mother? What if everyone else is a better one? So many fears and anxieties and I desperately needed some answers. This book finally guided me towards several.

Fact is, when it comes to flying, the only solution to the threat of an emergency, is a well rehearsed emergency checklist. In this book, the farmer, a very seasoned pilot, appeared to be very much in control. Mostly because handling emergencies has become second nature to him. He had practiced them hundreds of times and now he was teaching the golfer that in an environment ripe with emergencies he'd do well to prepare for emergencies also. Would you agree with me, that motherhood is definitely an environment ripe for emergencies? Just take the simple example of a toddler on a playground without his mother's constant supervision. An emergency waiting to happen! Agree? Mom constantly needs to be in control and if she's not, it might end up in some sort of a "crash landing" for the toddler. But all this required focused attention can become very stressful for a mother. By the time my first born reached the age of seven, I was already nearing what I call a "mommy's burnout". I was stressed out from being a mom. Sadly, and I confess, feeling out of control often had the potential to turn me into an angry mom. Even though I usually managed to stay calm on the outside, on the inside, I often panicked in the face of an emergency. I felt overwhelmed if my tonsillitis child would suddenly be sick or I stressed over fevers that would get too high. I piled up a lot of stress on the inside, because I wasn't well prepared.

The golfer learns that his pre-shot checklist would become the most valuable asset in tournament play and be his foundation. I have now learnt that the same applies to me. A great "pre-shot" checklist can be compiled in just a very short early morning quiet-time and it has become a very stable foundation for me. Take-off is an art and the conditions are never the same, whether you are taking off on a flight or into a day as a mother. As a pilot and as a mother I can tell you, that developing a checklist every morning and focusing on it throughout your day will help make your day a whole lot easier! Confidence comes from being prepared for an emergency and I believe that most days in motherhood are about preparation too. It might be a different kind of preparation, but the principle remains the same. I dare-say that motherhood is probably one of the jobs we get least prepared for and many of us desperately need help. But with granny often thousands of miles away, we have to figure it out (or we Google it) as we go along. 

Another thing I remember very clearly from learning to fly is that every time when a pilot wants to take off he has to contact the tower. Without the tower, there will be no safe flight! On some days, during my flying adventures, there seemed to be static interference in the transmission between the tower and my little plane, but I would have to make the call nonetheless and I always waited until I heard the words "cleared for take off". I am sure you might be able to guess where I am going with this...I prefer to fly in the safety of knowing that God is watching over my day and He has cleared it for take off!! So, in the last few years, I have developed a new habit of early morning quiet times and I have seen the blessings that come from them to the point that I can now honestly say that without His clearance, I would not dare to fly. By the way, in very remote areas, there are landing strips where you are out of reach from the nearest tower and then the rule is - make a "blind" radio call. Inform everyone else that might be up in the air, that you are about to take off too. I have practiced this several times  during my early flying days and what a wonderful analogy of my first quiet times! I used to sit down, not sure if God is hearing me, but I was determined to try. So, if you think that your transmission is not being received by the tower, the best advice I can give you for now is - make the call anyway! When the static around you settles, you will hear his reply!

I hope that you are, were or will be better prepared for emergencies in motherhood than me. But when you get ready to take off tomorrow morning, please don't forget to make that radio call! Take a breather...have a little quiet time...and go through your pre-flight checklist and you will see that it will give you the confidence you need throughout your day!

HAVE A GREAT WEEK and many happy landings!

(Images are my own or courtesy of morguefile.com)

The Journey to the center of Me... - Part 4 (snackbreak!)

Snackbreak! I am working on my next post, but in the meantime, I thought I would share an interesting quote from Steve Jobs (Co-founder and CEO of Apple Inc.) that beautifully underlines the importance of "quiet times". Perhaps it will inspire you, hearing it from such a successful businessman...

"Coming back (to America) after seven months in Indian villages, I saw the craziness of the Western world as well as its capacity for rational thought. If you just sit and observe, you will see how restless your mind is. If you try to calm it, it only makes it worse, but over time, it does calm, and when it does, there's room to hear more subtle things - that's when your intuition starts to blossom and you start to see things more clearly and be in the present more. Your mind just slows down, and you see a tremendous expanse in the moment. You see so much more than you could see before. It's a discipline, you have to practice it."   Steve Jobs

My own journey will continue soon! In the meantime...HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

Every morning starts with a new promise, same as yesterday...HE LOVES YOU!

The Journey to the center of Me... - Part 4

WELCOME BACK to Part 4 of my healing journey that I am taking on the fairways of a golf course. David L. Cook in his book titled "Seven Days in UTOPIA, Golf's Sacred Journey" is writing to golf players mostly, but his book has taught me so much about motherhood, that I decided to share some of my thoughts in this series of diary posts. You are most welcome to go back to Part 1, 2 and 3 if you haven't already done so and you will find that I have learnt about giving up control, gaining rhythm and balance and how to paint a picture of what I want my days to be like...all with the help of this book. Today, I want to look at what is more important - tradition or truth? I will spend some time on the putting green, approaching the target. The question might arise in your mind as to what the target is and I hope that by the end of this post I will have answered it adequately.

On Day 4 in the village of Utopia, tradition clashes with truth on the putting green. In my childhood "traditions" have clashed with "truth" quite often too or at least that's what it felt like in my heart. Some "traditions" did not make any sense to me at all and so I very much enjoyed this chapter! I hope that you will enjoy it also.

Tradition...

Truth...?

Traditions are "set ways" and that is not always how we wish things to be. In the book, the farmer (he is the teacher, if you haven't been reading my blogs up until now) makes a very profound statement. He says: "I respect tradition, but I have a passion for truth." Oh, how I can relate to that!! He goes on to explain that tradition seems to generally have a vicious grip on most people and that golf is a game where tradition is sacred too. But the farmer wants the golfer (his student) to come away from the way he has been putting and try something completely new. He wants him to approach the target "face on". Golf is being played sideways on the fairway, but according to the farmer, when it comes to putting, you ought to be looking straight at the target while you are making the putt. But the golfer is nervous. He has never played golf this way before. Traditionally, putting is also done sideways. He tries and he is rather speechless when he succeeds, over and over again. This new method seems so much easier! It is simpler and more successful. But when the farmer challenges him to use this new method in a real tournament, he hesitates. He is suddenly unsure as he is afraid of what people might think of him, if he uses such a revolutionary putting method back home. Mostly, he is afraid that he might be laughed at, but he also realizes that he has become comfortable with tradition and that he has also become somewhat stuck in his "comfort zone". Tradition seems to be a great place to hide. Sometimes we don't want to try something new, because we are so used to the old. The farmer elaborates, that in a game of golf, most of the time the ball is hit "side-on" because it needs to be hit far. Golfers have become so used to standing "side-on" that when they approach the hole, they just carry on that way. They putt, only glancing at the hole, when it might be more beneficial to be standing face-on with both eyes on the target. So the farmer asks the golfer a crucial question: "Is it tradition you seek or truth? Is it excellence or acceptance?" These are two questions I have also faced on multiple occasions in the last few years and my answer is and will always be - truth! In a world that is now so incredibly rushed, we rarely slow down enough to question tradition. Take Father Christmas for example, a long standing tradition and a great photo opportunity for any mom with a cute toddler like mine. (I would like to add that ALL toddlers are cute of course!) But my daughter (now much older and more courageous) was petrified at the age of two of men in red suits and a white beard, so I made a very simple decision - no photos with Father Christmas for her! Tradition vs. truth...I prefer truth and I don't want to force her into anything for the sake of tradition. To make that decision, though, I had to slow down and observe what was actually going on.

Facing my ball with both eyes on the target...

We live in a busy world and even as moms or perhaps especially as moms, we are rushing from appointment to appointment and most of the time we just seem to be glancing at each other "side-ways". New habits, such as social media and cellphones also seem to be starting to have a grip on us, just look at a bunch of teenagers getting together nowadays! You will know what I mean. I believe the new "Word of the Year" among German youngsters is "Smombie" which describes the merger of humans and smartphones, a Smartphone Zombie or Smombie! Can you believe it? We are starting to merge with those things?? And then there's the issue of multi-tasking which we sometimes seem to be taking to an extreme. With the result that I know more women now with anxieties or some kind of stress reactions than women that have inner peace. What a crazy world that we seem to be living in! I have been watching other mothers for quite some time now and I try to learn from those who seem to remain focused despite the mounting pressure in today's world. There seem to be very few moms who get it "right" but those who do, I believe, are the ones that keep their eyes on the target while they are performing their daily tasks and chores. I believe we are moving our kids down a "fairway" every day, but when it comes to putting, at the end of the day, I always hope that there is enough time to be with them "face-on". My aim is to raise my kids to know God. Not only hear of Him, read about Him, but know him. That is my target. Now, I can make a putt with a side-ways approach but it will probably take longer, so what I need to do is spend time with them and with God face-on. Spending loads of time with God is the most beneficial thing I have done in the last couple of years! "Start the day with God, finish the day with God and in-between speak to Him as often as possible" - that is my simple new rule and the result...has already been spectacular! Quiet time with God has already brought an incredible amount of good changes in my life. But my new approach to life is so different from what it used to be and so totally against any traditions in my childhood years that I could not easily share it with others up until now. I come from a country where tradition and acceptance is everything. Daily conversations with God would be frown upon. But tradition is no longer everything to me. Truth is what is beginning to set me free and I love this new kind of freedom!

In the end of the chapter "Tradition vs. Truth" the golfer makes a radical change and breaks with tradition and so did I. I don't glance at God anymore, He is my target! Over 2000 years after Jesus was born, it seems to me that most people have forgotten how to approach the target - with honest conversation and an open heart and mind. Instead God is only glanced at sideways or not at all. The golfer was challenged to start a putting-revolution...the outcome of which you will see when I get to the end of the book. But for today...I intend to start a quiet-time revolution! Join me, if you like, in this new way of living! If, like me, you have spent enough time in the "bunkers" or "sandpits" of life, then reconsider the questions from the beginning of this post one more time: Is it tradition you seek or truth? Acceptance or excellence? From my side I will just add: Is it busyness your heart seeks or quiet time? I would love to hear what you chose in the comments below and I hope you will join me for Part 5 in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, take some time off from the fairway of life and...

...have a happy "quiet time" and a wonder-filled week!

The Journey to the center of Me... - Part 3 (lunchbreak!)

Welcome back to my "Journey to the center of Me"! We are taking a quick pause on my journey this week, somewhat of a "lunch break" per say, to take a look at something very special...

I find that Day 3 in the book was intensely personal and very arty and I am not a very arty person at all. But I have learnt so much from this chapter and they were such crucial lessons, that I would like to point you to someone else, who can tell you a story of his own. It is a beautiful story about who we are and how God is painting the story of our lives and how he can turn us from the picture on the left into the picture just like the one on the right. The person presenting the message is Anthony Noble and though it might not be the most professional video, it is a most beautiful message, presented by one of the most humble servants of God. You can view his YouTube message here:

I can almost guarantee that you will enjoy it!

I hope you will visit again in a couple of weeks, when I continue with Day 4 of my own journey...

HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

The Journey to the center of Me - Part 3

I am fully aware that I might be writing the current posts more for myself than for anyone else, but such is the nature of a diary, isn't it? If you are reading this, I am glad you are joining me for Day 3 on my healing journey (Day 1 and 2 are in the previous posts), a journey that is assisted by the book "Seven Days in UTOPIA, Golf's Sacred Journey" written by David L. Cook, PhD. In the first two days I learnt about finding answers in the right places and the importance of quiet times. I also shared with you that I finally figured out that it is never about what we achieve as a mom but how we achieve it. The next chapter in the book is titled "Signing a Masterpiece".

Please have a look at this picture for a moment...what do you see?

Image courtesy of www.morguefile.com

Do you just see a beautiful landscape or do you see that it is a golf course? And if you see the golf course...do you see the target or do you just see the obstacles, the trees?  The target, by the way is a tiny little flag at the end of the grass strip and sometimes it is very hard to spot! I definitely used to focus on the obstacles of my life, but with the help of this book I finally started to change that.

On "Day 3" in Utopia the golfer learns that in order to be a great player, he must become an artist. He learns that great golf shots start, similar to painting, with a blank canvas and that he must paint the shot with his eyes first, before his body can produce it. He must learn to "see the shot", "feel the shot" and then trust that he will make the right shot from that memory. Golf is a game played to a memory of what you pictured earlier. A golfer usually only glances at the hole, then he looks down and staring at the ball, he swings. He is attempting to move the ball according to the picture that has previously been imprinted in his mind. So it's kind of obvious that the "painting" in his mind is paramount to whether or not his shot will succeed. Our golfer also learns that trees, bunkers and water are not his enemies nor are any other object on the course. Golf players often look upon such objects with fear or disdain and allow them to steal their energy and focus, but they are actually just a part of the course, a part of their perspective and they can be guides that lead them to the target. One particular tree dominates our golfer's landscape and from where he stands, it demands most of his attention because of its imposing size. He realizes, that it takes effort to see beyond it and concludes that this might be why sometimes it is so difficult in golf to even "see" the shot - because the immediate environment very often simply commands attention. The right perspective becomes a key component to his progress now. The farmer teaches him that in order to be an artist and a great golfer, he has to let go of "perfect". This is new, something he has never done before and for some time he struggles. A voice within, somewhat pessimistically keeps reciting all his inabilities and failures to him. But he persists and on "Day 3", assisted by the farmer, he manages to step back into his childhood and finds himself at play, with art as a new companion. It feels right and he finally learns to...see, feel and trust.

My summary of this chapter is of course very abbreviated, but it has lead me to some conclusions of great importance to myself. I believe that we all loved to be artists when we were little, but I wonder how many of us still see themselves as artists now? More importantly it has lead me to ask: Do I have to be an artist to be a good mother and am I creative? Every day in life starts with a "blank canvas", a new morning, and when I used to delve into my days randomly, when I lived them before I even painted them, they hardly ever turned out very well! But, when I started to take quiet times in the mornings, it was as if I was finally taking the time to "see" and "feel" what I wanted my days to be like and that's when things really began to change. I had never learnt to "paint a day with my eye" before. I always just tried to "survive" or "get through" my days. I often traveled from bunker to bunker and have let them steal my energy and focus!! It has never occurred to me to take the time and make a mental picture of the kind of day I wanted to have or of the kind of mother I wanted to be. But I have learnt that "painting my day" during an early morning quiet time has become paramount to my day being successful. I have learnt to paint and play according to what I have painted and it has made such a change!

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Oh, and one more thing! One particular tree dominated the golfer's landscape and demanded most of his attention...remember? I have also encountered such a tree on my journey, but of course it wasn't a real tree, it was my mother. Perhaps some of you can relate? Do you have someone in your life that sometimes commands your attention, a little more than you would like them to? For me, it always took great effort to see beyond my mother, but I realize now that, though I sometimes might have perceived her as my enemy, she never really was. She was and is just a part of my story, part of my perspective on life and she, as well as all other challenges in my life, have just guided me to my target and my target is God. But in order to reach my target I too had to  first find the child within! I had to let go of "perfect" and just like the golfer I had to overcome a pessimistic and critical voice that can still be rather discouraging at times. I have started the journey to the "center of Me" and though my journey is not yet complete, I am much more "at play" now and art is becoming my constant companion, even though it might be my kind of art. My creativity seems to express itself in less "conventional" ways, though I certainly do enjoy a good time of baking. But I also enjoy creating an Instagram or a blog post and through it all I am starting to understand the art of letting go. All of life is starting to feel right when I just let go and "be me", when I see the truth, feel His love and trust that He will always be there with me and all of that starts flowing in my quiet times...

So, Day 3 has come to an end and I look forward to Day 4! I hope you will visit again in a couple of weeks when my 7-day journey continues...

HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

 

The Journey to the center of Me... - Part 2

Welcome back! I hope you liked my last post and are ready to continue my journey with me. Today we are embarking on Day 2 of my "golf-assisted" healing journey...

Image courtesy of morguefile.com

In the fourth chapter of the book, titled "Shadow-casting", the golfer learns the art of fly fishing from the farmer. The whole scene of his first fly fishing experience is played out in great detail for the reader. There is a drama that unfolds between him and the prey and in the end, the fish is exhausted and gives up the battle. His downfall? A totally emotional response made him vulnerable to the trap. Fly fishing is a sport that requires great patience, which is not easy to come by for someone who has always been driven by emotion himself. On this day, the golfer learns that he has played out this kind of battle far too often on the golf course, but usually he was in the role of the fish! Once hooked by emotion, he would battle on to the point of frustration. He had always been driven by the need to deliver a spectacular shot, in front of the spectators and other players, in order to prove that he belonged, but he had a tendency to be impatient and didn't pick his spots well. Fly fishing, however, is all about rhythm, balance and patience and it requires a calm mindset that is focused on the feel of the motion rather than the outcome. For the golfer, a profound transition from "trying" to "letting" takes place in this chapter. He still feels an overwhelming sense of trying to make his first cast perfect, hoping to prove to the farmer that he is a good student, but he realizes that too much "trying" will make you fail. He learns, that in the game of fly fishing "emotion loses" and that he can only win if he stays calm. Though he takes a couple more dives into the river and struggles with the fish for quite some time, he eventually emerges victoriously and ends the day with an experience of a lifetime stored in his heart!

Oh, dear diary! How much of this is true for motherhood! Or at least the way I have experienced it in the past!

Image courtesy of morguefile.com

How many times have I been "baited" and driven by emotion, more often than not, I lost my cool. Then, just like the fish, though usually after an apology, I bolted for cover into my reading chair, licking my wounds, but a little wiser from the battle. Emotions have always made me vulnerable to traps and only too often I have played the role of a fish, when a much better role would have been available to me - the one of the fisherman, patiently waiting to catch the fish. In the first few years of motherhood, much like the golfer, I often found myself driven by the need to deliver a "spectacular shot", proving to other moms or spectators that I was coping, that I was doing ok. But motherhood isn't about scoring, it is all about rhythm, balance and patience and it is an art to keep the balance. It is never about what you achieve as a mom, but always about how you achieve it. I used to be totally outcome based. Is the house tidy, the homework done and dinner cooked? I could only relax when everything on my checklist had been achieved. The way I felt, while I was doing all this was always secondary to me. But that was so wrong! I know that now.

Thanks to this book and my many quiet times, I have now made the transition from "trying" to "letting" and I can feel a profound change in my life. I still have to resist the need to make things perfect, just to prove that I am a worthy mom and of course there are plenty of moments that test my new "skills". Moments that reveal whether I am a fisherman or a fish. There are days where I seem to spend every ounce of my energy on being a good fisherman or mom and then some kind of "explosion" takes me by surprise. In the book the fish suddenly jumped out of the water in a desperate attempt to flee and threw the golfer off balance and into the water. That happens to me too. Usually when I get an unexpected and negative comment by someone very close to me. For example, when my teen decides to have one of those "moods" or when my husband comes home from a very trying day at work and unintentionally just "barks" at me. That kind of unexpected, negative emotion can still throw me off balance and land me in a fairly deep "puddle" of self-pity.

That's when I hear that new gentle voice inside of me whispering: "You dropped your guard, you have to be ready." In life, but especially in motherhood, surprise can give way to emotion and emotion will make you lose your game! Rhythm, balance and patience demand to be practiced continually.

Following my new voice, I have finally learnt that "staying calm" can be done and I have no doubt in my mind that, despite my early battles in motherhood, I will emerge victoriously and with the experience of a lifetime stored in my heart...

If anything I write speaks to you in some way, then join me in a couple of weeks for Day 3...on this course...on the journey to the center of "Me"!

I wish you a fabulous week!

Image courtesy of morguefile.com

The Journey to the center of Me... - Part 1

You can buy this book here!

This is the first part in a series of posts that will take you on a imaginary journey to the center of "me". About two years ago, I took a journey of self-exploration by reading a book titled – "Seven Days in UTOPIA, Golf's Sacred Journey" written by David L. Cook, PhD. This book is about an old man who lived in a simple place but had extraordinary insight and who invested himself in the life of another, a golfer who was lost on his journey. Though I'm no professional golfer, only a mother, I too was lost on my journey and this book was just simply perfect for me! I hope the lessons I took from it will be valuable for you too!

I read the book shortly after what I would call a "total burnout" as a mom, which culminated in a breast cancer diagnosis. Today I am healed in more than one way (physically and emotionally), but I would like to take you back into the midst of the aftermath of my crisis, when I came across Dr Cook's book. At the time I was so confused! I thought I had to be the perfect mom, but somehow, just like the golfer in the book, I had lost my "game". I felt exhausted, inadequate and defeated, when those around me all seemed to be so perfect. Though the book is entirely about a golfer, his burnout and how he overcame it, I managed to draw some really helpful lessons from it about motherhood, all of which became a firm part of my own healing journey. In the next few weeks I would like to share them with you, right here, on my blog.

When I finished the book, I tried to summarize it all into a mission statement for moms and though maybe this belongs at the end of my series of blog posts, I would like to share it with you right at the start of it all. Here's what I concluded from the lessons I learnt from this marvelous book:

Mom, be assured that there is no specific model of success in motherhood, no "right way" of doing it. Each mom must develop her own blueprint for her family and her own style of mothering them. We must have such a conviction for the manner in which we "mother" our kids that there are no cracks in her armor when facing the toughest foe on our journey. I find that the toughest challenge we will face as moms, is not necessarily the many and often repeated problems we will encounter while raising our kids or even the fact that other mothers seem to be doing better than us. Our toughest enemy will be the casual comment offered up by a fellow mother or relative about how we SHOULD be doing it. I don't know how you feel about your mothering style, but I encourage you to find a solid stance and conviction that you ARE A GOOD MOM in your very own way. If you don't believe that already, then I recommend that you take a regular "quiet time" during which you write about it in a diary until you do. Unseen wisdom seems to rise when we write things down and I hope that you will come to learn that you are a good mom. That is not to say that we cannot improve, but you will find out during those quiet times as to when and how. My posts are not here to improve your mothering skills, I wouldn't be qualified to even try. My intention and purpose is only to share what I learnt so that you can also find your "game" - your personal mothering style - and that this will help you cope with anything that is coming your way!

So, let's get started with Day 1 of a 7-day journey to the inside of me...

(The main characters of the book are an old farmer and a professional golfer and their names are not relevant for my blog so I will just refer to them as "the farmer" and "the golfer".)

One of the first chapters of the book is titled "Conviction" and it is all about finding answers in the right places and stripping off excess baggage first. In other words, leaving the many interferences of life behind. Oh yes! Quiet time!! A key ingredient to my own healing! The thing, I thought was impossible to do, more of a luxury, since quiet time seems to be a luxury for every mom, had now become a key element to my own survival. After all I was sick and I needed to heal. Quiet time is definitely what I needed most when I started reading this book and in order to be able to get it, I also needed to strip off excess baggage first. I needed to get rid of "unnecessary commitments" and replace them with little quiet times.

Courtesy of www.morguefile.com

For years I had been looking for someone to give me the answer on how I could be the best mother I so wanted to be. The golfer in the book often felt that in moments where it mattered most, he usually failed. I felt that way too. Usually moments where patience was required. Moments where I had everything but time. The golfer was apparently "overthinking the game" and because of it, he usually lost. Sound familiar? It certainly sounded familiar to me. I am definitely an "over-thinker"! With the result, that in those really busy moments, where multi-tasking was at its highest peak, the first thing I usually lost was - fun. Motherhood should be a journey and we ought to be enjoying the journey, but for me, at that time, it had become nothing but a list of chores. (I wish I knew if you can relate to this!)

The golfer learns, that in order to swing a golf club perfectly, he needs to stop thinking and just enjoy the game. Most players overthink the game, but in order to be really successful he needs to learn to let go of control. He is missing rhythm and balance, because he tries too hard to stay in control. Check, check, check! Yup, that's me! Control freak no. 1 at home. (I might as well be honest here, if I am writing about this!) I always knew that motherhood should be more enjoyable, even or especially in those very tense moments. But I was missing something in order to enjoy myself and now, reading this book, I finally knew - I was missing rhythm and balance. Something that you don't easily gain when you are too busy trying to stay in control. Learning to give up control is what I also had to do on Day 1...but how??

Too much stress?

Giving up control over my "to do list" in favor of time-out or a "quiet time" is something I never dared doing before. It is pretty clear to me that my kids often won't stop fighting or having a go at each other until I give them a "time out". But it was never clear to me that I needed such a "time out" too! How often did I struggle with my chores rather than taking a rest?!?

On this metaphorical Day 1 on the journey to the inside of me, I learnt from a fictitious professional golfer, that rhythm and balance would be key words in correcting my mothering skills. In the past, I had been listening to far too many people and tried to copy them far too many times. I have restricted myself in so many ways by trying to do things the way they do. I believe that rhythm can maybe be learnt from someone else, but real balance can only be gained by listening to one's own voice. The key to hearing one's own voice will, however, and can only be - quiet times! In those first few quiet times I have discovered a different voice, a new voice with a new angle. A new coach, teaching me my very own "swing". 

At the end of the chapter, the farmer asked the golfer if he ever slowed down to just think and I would like to ask you the same question now. Do you ever slow down...? Do you ever just think...? Feel free to leave me a comment below! I would love to hear from my readers about how you experience the "speed of life" and whether or not you are coping with it!

In conclusion, the farmer suggests that true healing takes time. Time to contemplate, time to listen to the learning, so that change can take place. I have taken a lot of time and I have learnt that I must clear my mind of other women's mothering styles. Just like the golfer, I must stop trying to copy someone else's game and find my own.

I have begun my journey to the center of me...if you can relate to my journey, then stay with me! If you liked this post, please leave me a comment and I hope you will check back in a couple of weeks when I continue the journey with the help of - "Seven Days in Utopia, Golf's Sacred Journey"!  

HAVE A GREAT GOLFING AND MOTHERING WEEK!

Courtesy of www.morguefile.com